Dear reader you can tell whenever I am sad, nervous, or just not feeling “right” by the fact that I buy more books.

You see dear reader like you the stories never judge my sadness.

In my family people are never really allowed to feel sad unless someone dies or something really bad happens.

I used to think that being sad at any point was a bad thing. Like I was defective.

Now I know that the feeling of sadness can come and go for no real reason at all. Sadness is a normal human emotion.

I know that it will pass in time. I just know that if I fight the feeling instead of just letting my body feel it and get it over with the sadder I will be.

I think it’s because of the fact that my 8 year wedding anniversary is December 10th.

We started having problems in 2010. Tried to work it out in 2011(Spent Christmas and New year’s with his family, I paid for us to go because I wanted to say goodbye to them one last time), split up for good April of 2011.

He now lives in TX with his baby momma he now has two kids with her and is still being an ass about giving me the divorce papers.

He is using me as an excuse not to legally marry her (I heard from his mom that they already had a non binding wedding) .

His baby momma went off on me on the phone a few months ago because I told her that if I was walking(Not in a wheelchair) our divorce would have been finalized years ago.  Why that statement pissed her off I have no idea.

He told me December is when they plan to finally send the papers no idea on the time frame though.

The date still hurts though because lately people have been making me feel like I don’t deserve to ever be married again because this marriage didn’t work out.

I didn’t make him cheat on me in my house and fuck her where I could hear because he knew I couldn’t get up to do anything about it. I didn’t make him get another girl pregnant twice who controls every part of his life in the hopes he will never cheat on her (Did I mention she is a cheater too, she cheated on her first hubby with another guy).

Yet somehow dear reader to some people because I didn’t fix this I never deserve to find love and be married again.

Also it’s the anniversary of my brother Shaun birthday and a few days later his death.

I honestly feel a lot of guilt for living when he isn’t. I know we don’t live together growing up.

However I never stopped loving him and I know he is safe now. I just wish that I knew that he knew how much I loved him before he died.

I know that this sounds crazy dear reader but I honestly feel like my brother was my twin. He was the one who was wild and crazy but had a heart of gold. In case you’re wondering we have the same mom but different dads.