Note to reader: I DON’T want to hurt myself this is just about me venting.

Sometimes to stop the fear you have to stop running and face the knife. I keep pulling away from him and he just keeps coming home.

He knows my secrets, he knows my fears, he knows the secret things that bring me joy.

He was the first, He made me a woman. He had my heart from the first. There comes a time dear reader when you realize that you took the words for better or worse literally and for me this may be it.

I want to see him and tell him use the knife or leave me be because the years of waiting to see what you’ll do to me and when you’ll do it is killing me.

Maybe this is the real reason I haven’t found anyone in almost 4 years because we have to either fix it together or smash it to pieces together.

I know this is going to hurt like hell but at least one last meeting feels  inevitable.

The day after what would have been our 8 year wedding anniversary is when he chooses to tell me he loves me no matter what.

You see dear reader I know he gives his body away but his heart is and always will be with me.

I know this will end in pain but the moments of joy that will be there before the pain is calling my name.

The joy in moments that you remember until you die.