Dear reader I am writing the following to vent and to get my personal feelings out so I am sorry if the following doesn’t make sense.

I feel so much right now. My heart just wants to explode out of my chest. I feel so raw, so exposed.

I don’t want to feel anything for him anymore but I do. I don’t just want him because he married me I want him as a person, as a human being. Not for anything he can do for me but because I feel a NEED to hold and touch him. To know that he is alive and ok.

I know he is an ass but I love the good that is deep inside of him.

You see dear reader whenever he was sad when we were together I would make him bend down so I could reach his face and I would use my fingers to make his cheeks go up into a smile and I would do it until he smiled and when I saw him sad faced on the face time it killed me inside that I couldn’t do it for him.

I want him happy even if he doesn’t end up with me. I just want the joy to be back in his eyes. He looked so deeply sad in his eyes it broke my heart.

We started as friends and I hate to see him sad. No matter the cause.

I know he probably will destroy me by the time whatever this is finishes however I still have the desire to try to help put the joy back into his eyes.

Last night I had a dream about him and in part of it he was telling me he wouldn’t stop kissing me till I felt the sparks between us.

The really weird part is that when we were together I always told him I wanted to feel the sparks like in the movies/ books and he just thought I was weird.

Now he keeps saying he will love me always, no matter what.

I know he can’t stay faithful and u don’t expect him too. I still feel like I will have his heart always. I just wonder sometimes if I will get mine back from him.

And now as I am writing this “God bless the broken road” by Rascal Flatts is on Pandora….I just don’t know.