Dear reader I am feeling fear right now, the truth of the matter is I have been for a while and I don’t know why. Maybe writing about it will give me some answers it usually does.

You see dear reader when I was young I thought that if I got too happy something bad would happen. I would often think of all the bad things that could possibly happen to me in a given situation. It could be worse I would say then I would think of all the ways.

It was so bad that my mom before she left me told me in one of her rare moments of being lucid told me I needed to stop.

When I found my faith and learned that we can sometimes create what we think about(Both good and bad) I stopped worrying so much.

Now for some reason dear reader I am feeling fear again to the point of feeling sick to my stomach. I am not sure why.
I have survived so very bad situations by listening to my gut so I don’t want to dismiss the fear out right as it may be trying to tell me something.

I am trying really hard to fight the it could be worse thinking before it gets worse.

I think once I get past my brother’s birthday(he was born on Christmas) and the anniversary of his death a few weeks later(He died in 2011 and he was 28) I will be ok.

I just keep feeling bad that I am alive and he isn’t. It was sudden and I never got to say goodbye and the last time I saw him I was 13.

We had different dad’s but the same mom so we were raised apart and my mother’s family stopped wanting to see me after my grandpa died they picked me up from my dad’s and got my brother too so they could see us. I think my grandpa was the only one who wanted me of the adults which is weird because he never talked to me.

I still have memories of my brother trying to cheer me up after making me cry.  He had a smile you could never stay mad at.

I would pray for years that he was ok and I would see him again. Now I know where he is but he is dead.

Here is a secret dear reader for years I had a feeling I would die young. I even asked my aunt as a kid if I could take my stuffed animals in the coffin with me(I scared her really bad).

Now that my brother died I don’t have that feeling anymore, like one of us had to be on the other side. I swear sometimes I wonder if my brother and I were twin souls or something.