Note to reader: The backstory to this post is here. I currently can’t sleep and I have to be up soon to get the bands on my braces changed however I honestly don’t think that I will be able to fall asleep until I get these thoughts out of my mind and onto this post.

Side note: The other readers who have been with me on this journey for awhile will understand why this situation is bugging me so much, I honestly don’t want to go over my love life issues right now so I am just going to say that if you want to know more about them check out the “Trials in love” tab of my blog for more information about what I have been through love wise so far. For the readers who don’t get why this situation is a big deal for me I apologize in advance.

Dear reader I don’t personally trust where Oscar has been sexually given how he has been acting on the “dating site” that we *met* on(because you can add people as friends on there I can see whenever he posts comments on other people’s pictures and stuff) as well as the fact that he is pretty open about the fact that he has been in open relationships.

I know that I shouldn’t care especially since we aren’t dating however he told me a few days ago that he wants to come see me in a few weeks. He says that he will classify it as a business trip so he can use the company he works for to pay for the flight and stuff.

I do truly think that he would be cool to hang out with and believe it or not dear reader he talked about renting a van with a ramp on it so that he can take me out easier(He already knows about my chair and stuff) I didn’t even know that you can rent vans like that until he showed me the link.

However I am worried about possibly getting an STD from him and yes dear reader I would use protection but you still never know.

I have also never had sex with a guy that I wasn’t in a relationship with first so I feel like I would be throwing most of my personal “rules” out of the window if I did something with him.

I told him the last time we talked not to expect sex with me just because he comes to visit me and he said he understood and was ok with it.

That was before I saw him flirting with other people on the site and I think judging by how they were talking that he might have went to meet up with her for sex.

Again dear reader I don’t really feel jealous because we aren’t dating however I don’t want to be used and thrown away.

At the end of the day I have to live with my choices and be able to look myself in the mirror and like what I see.

I have always had high respect for myself and my body(I haven’t had sex with anyone since June of 2011 because of the fact that that was when I broke up with my last serious boyfriend), however I also know that I can’t be a saint forever and I have needs and urges just like everyone else.

I guess I know deep down inside what I want to do it’s just that A. I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t trust him to not just use me and B. I don’t know if I will ever get another chance at a guy with all of the stuff we have in common plus the fact that he wants to spoil me and he seems like he can actually afford to.

I know that you might say that caring about that makes me materialistic and in all honesty I am a little bit materialistic however I still have my own personal core morality that I truly do try my hardest to follow even when it’s the hard choice to do so.

I honestly wish that I had a way to tell him what I am worried about without making him mad at me because so far he does really seem like a good guy.

I promise to keep you updated on everything dear reader as soon as I know anything more about this situation.

Thanks again dear reader for staying on this journey with me and being *here* for me to vent to. My life is so much better with you guys in it ♡.