I fell down a rabbit hole of stuff(1/7/15)

Note to reader: The following post is going to seem rambling and random for the most part and probably won’t make much if any sense at all to you but I really need to get some of the thoughts that are currently running through my mind out so I don’t explode. Plus I honestly feel like I owe you guys an explanation of why I haven’t been reading or doing as much on here right now as I normally do.

Dear reader I fell through a rabbit hole of different stuff a few days ago.

I am NOT going to share everything single detail here because it’s extremely personal and I am very nervous about book reviewer people or random readers who might not understand finding it and judging me harshly for it.

I am literally trying not to cry right now because I don’t want to let you guys down dear reader or make you think that I am not being honest with you because I truly do value/cherish the supportive open/raw and honest environment that I have worked so hard to create here for almost 3 years now.

I see you guys as a part of my heart dear reader I don’t really know how to explain how I feel, I just pray that you will understand where I’m coming from.

Recently I’ve realized that if I go for the same type of men that I always do and I keep trying to suppress needs wants and desires that I have I will never be truly happy in love.

So I decided to try my best friend Adriana’s advice and go on this website(it shall remain nameless for personal and privacy reasons) to maybe find someone.

I bit the bullet so to speak and was completely, totally, and brutally honest about what I need and want in a partner and what I don’t.

I have never felt so emotionally exposed and vulnerable. Even here dear reader I still control how much of myself I expose to you especially since honestly I don’t have to fear meeting you in person(although 99.9 percent of the response to this blog is positive and loving beyond words and I would be lucky to meet most of you in person) and I am not trying to get one of you to possibly fall in love with me get in a real life face to face relationship with me (although who knows what could happen in the future).

I have gotten a few crazy responses and made a few friends since the site isn’t just a dating site.

I keep being told pretty much that I am fake and not really as nice as I seem which really hurts me because I am honestly just being myself.

Of course the crazy offers asking to have sex with me are there as well as the “I swear I love you” within less than 20 to 30 minutes of the first time talking to me.

Then I haven’t been able to sleep right I am back to sleeping through the day and waking up late at night because it’s cold and wet(California is finally getting some much needed rain) and my CP(Cerebral Palsy) is just kicking my ass. I still haven’t been to sleep yet and it’s currently 8:15AM.

I am also currently stressing out over a  book review for NetGally that I have been trying to finish reading for what feels like forever but it’s been probably about 2-3 weeks now.

It’s so hard to follow/understand that I am almost hating having to read it. It’s almost seems like it’s going to turn out to be the worst book I have had to read/review for NetGally yet, if it wasn’t for the fact that I don’t want my approval rating to go down I would have given up already.

Plus I have honestly been really depressed and emotional lately and I am not sure why. I want to tell you about it dear reader but I don’t want to come across as being whiny.

So I keep to myself and hope that it will pass soon, I know that it will but it’s still frustrating.

Dear reader please do me a favor if you like what I do here and don’t think that I am letting you down please like this post it would really mean a lot to me and help me to feel better.

I am also nervous about the dentist tomorrow because I have to get my bite widened to make room for two implants I need in the front side of my mouth.

So far the plan is for me to get braces on just two or three of my front bottom teeth to push them back down to make room for the implants on top.

I don’t really know how I feel about this situation but I know that it has to be done.

I will keep you updated on everything as soon as I know more dear reader.

Thanks again from the bottom of my heart for caring about me and staying on this journey with me I would be lost without you in my life ♡.

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