Note to reader: The following post will be kind of rambling because I am just trying to get some of the thoughts/feelings which are currently running through my mind right now out of my system, which is and always will be the core purpose of this blog. I am NOT trying to make anyone feel sorry for me or anything else like that.

Dear reader I am not always a good or nice person, I don’t really truly let anyone completely into my heart or my truly deep down core thoughts/beliefs, the part of my that is extremely vulnerable/fragile.

I have started to let my best friend Adriana(the mother of my God-daughter) in more than normal because of some personal shared experiences(way too raw and personal to share here at least at this moment in time) however the truth is dear reader that you guys have seen more of my core self over the almost 3 years now that I’ve had this blog than anyone who knows me. The only possible exception to this would be my Nana(she passed away in November of ’05).

My dad knows a lot about me obviously but some things about me I will never really be able to explain to him (stuff about how I feel about how my mom left me etc).

I have been left by so many people(most notably of these people are my mom, the “Me” tab of my blog has some of the backstory to my mom if you’re curious about it you’ll have to search the tab to find them sorry for the inconvenience) so the truth of the matter is I don’t care too much if someone leaves(I do hurt a lot whenever it happens but it doesn’t crush my soul) because I don’t really let people in the vulnerable side of myself.

Everything I show 99.9 percent of people in my everyday life is either what I want them to see or something that I wouldn’t really care that much about if a stranger found out, I don’t let people past that boundary into the vulnerable area.

Because of this some people think that I am cold or that I don’t care, to me personally dear reader it’s more of the feeling that no one is ever really a permanent part of my life (meaning that I know that they can get up so to speak and leave my life at any time they wish to do so) so I don’t form really deep attachments.

I think that the deepest attachments I have at this point in time are:

1. My Dad.

2. My best friend Adriana because she has gotten me through so much and gone through hell and back with me more times than I can ever count.

3. You guys dear reader, honesty you guys and this blog are so much of a comfort and piece of my heart and soul that I truly can’t imagine my life without you and this blog in it. Your comfort, encouragement, love, and just honestly knowing that someone will read my words and that they are out of my head means more to me than I can ever truly explain.

This is NOT to say that I don’t love my family and friends because I do truly love them I just don’t personally feel deeply connected to them(meaning that I am still afraid  that they could leave me alone at some point in time, not all at once just individual people).

I think that these feelings are coming to the surface more now than normal is because:

1. I have recently discovered a lot of new information about my personality and finally made the decision to stop hiding and ignoring others because I finally figured out that they are a part of me and they will never go away(it’s way too raw and personal to share here at this point in time. I haven’t come out or anything I am still straight and sexually and physically attracted to men, it’s more about accepting things about myself and my personality that all of my ex boyfriends and my ex husband juged me for and tried to get me to suppress).

2. A few the “dating” site that I am on (not to be revealed on here for personal reasons) have recently said that I am mean(no one that I was dating, I thought I might start dating one guy at some point however I found out that he was hiding a girlfriend on the site. ).

I know that I am not a perfect person dear reader and that I should be kinder from time to time, however at the end of the day I have always been true to myself and done things in a way that even if I am not super proud of it I can still live with it and the consequences of my actions and decisions.

Thanks again dear reader for staying with me on this journey and *listening* to me vent it really does mean more to me than I can ever truly explain or express ♡.