Note to reader: The following post is ONLY me writing about how I am currently feeling as of right now so that hopefully I can make myself feel better. For me personally writing my feelings down 99.9 percent of the time helps me feel better which is the core purpose of this blog. If you want the backstory to this post check out the “Ending” tab of my blog it’s all there.

Dear reader my body and mind feel like they are in “Flight or Fight” mode right now because of the current situation with my divorce and the situation with my ex husband and his baby mama.

I know deep down inside of me that I am not still in the same physical situation(being in the same house ect ect) or emotional state that I was in when he first left me in April of 2010 however a lot of my fears that I had then are coming back now.

I know that I am safe now and that a lot of the stuff that I am worried about possibly happening probably won’t be as bad as I think/feel that it will be however my body is still freaking out(Panic attacks and stomach aches).

Mostly because of the fact that a lot of stuff that will follow the divorce process itself(checking my last name back legally/all of the stuff that goes with that) I don’t feel like I am in control of because of my CP(Cerebral Palsy) and being physically stuck in my chair. If you have been with me on this journey for pretty much any amount of time you already know how hard it is to physically get me out of the house and the work that goes into it.

I kept praying that I would have a strong guy around to help me with the physical part of the process and I know that it’s still a possibility because the paperwork isn’t here or mailed to him yet(He isn’t in the same state as I am) and you never know what life holds however it still feels like it’s all coming down on me at once and I know mentally that’s not true but emotionally it feels like:

Holy shit how am I going to get it all done. Especially when everyone I know is telling me that I am freaking out for no reason, and No, before you ask dear reader most of the people who are saying that can’t actually help me with any of these things because of many different reasons).

It also annoying as fuck to me(sorry to put it that way it’s how I feel right now dear reader) that my ex husband’s baby mama kept telling me that he still says that he loves me because I was his first everything(I had bf’s before him but I was a virgin before him and I was his first kiss and everything else).

You don’t love someone you emotionally and verbally abuse. You don’t love someone you cheat on multiple times and threaten to kill twice. That’s NOT love.

She said that we just couldn’t get along even though he has told her everything that he did to me. WTF she even said that I was crazy which is like whatever but it’s annoying that he still gets to play the victim.

I know deep down inside that I will be ok in time however right now it doesn’t feel that way. I promise to keep you updated on everything as soon as I know anything more about it.

Dear reader it would mean so much to me personally if you would like this post so that I can know that you are behind me. Lots of love to everyone ♡.