Note to Reader: The following post and it’s importance pretty much won’t mean/make any sense to anyone other than me. I apologize in advance for confusing you. I just really need to get my thoughts out. Thanks again as always for *listening* to me.
Dear reader it’s moments like this(Yes dear reader I actually mean this moment in time) that yet again(because we all know how often I need to be reminded of some things before I’ll let myself believe them(even if it’s only in the the deepest part of my heart where my rational mind can’t reach to erase it)) convince me personally of the power of the universe/The Gods/Fate/The powers that be.
Some time in 2007 when I was still happily married to my ex husband(Check The “Ending” tab of my blog if you want the whole backstory of my divorce it’s all there) I read “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elisabeth Gilbert for the first time.
It was during a time before I had you dear reader(I.E. This Blog) and I wasn’t happy, I wanted more out of life(Coincidentally I also attended a Sugarland concert with my ex husband during this same time period and listened toSettlin’ Click the link if you want to know the lyrics to the song. That song along with Eat Pray love became the backdrop to the start of my journey of finding myself).
During the process of reading the book(this was about a year and a half or so before my marriage went to hell) I started to do spells(pretty much prayers to the universe that I burned after writing them(my ex husband helped with the ligbter/fire elements) to make myself a better wife/person(I’ve only ever done spells on myself).
It got to the point where my ex husband came to me one day and said I see how happy you are now can you do the same for me? (I didn’t know how to help him then and I still don’t now).
He still didn’t really see even know/notice even though I told him that I was doing it in part to be a better wife to him.
Now I realise that even though I have wanted to/still do want to be a wife(again once I find the right guy) since I was really young(I like being part of a team/family unit) I couldn’t be what he wants/needs.
I was even then at that time(and really I think all this time since) getting myself ready to be okay with being someone who is ok with wanting/needing more from life than what I could’ve gotten if I had stayed with him(Even throughout the consistent cheating, side note dear reader I know that I deserve a man who will be loyal to me just as I am/will be loyal to him).
He knew before we got married that I loved to write(he even seemed to love the daily physical journal that I kept *think basically my daily “Things that I am thankful for today” posts that I keep here if you’re curious about what I wrote in them, No sadly dear reader I don’t have them anymore also my Cerebral Palsy makes physically writing difficult which is another reason why I am so happy/blessed that I have you guys/this blog to be able to keep thoughts like this in) and that I love to talk to/interact with people however as time went on little by little(and always in ways that seemed as if they were “for my own good” or because he “didn’t want to share me”) he would stop me from taking to people or doing anything that didn’t directly involve him. I was board and losing myself and just becoming someone who wouldn’t make him mad.
This blog, my book reviews, writing(in general), my time at the casino, and even the things I enjoy in the bedroom wouldn’t have been possible with him.
Now here almost 8 years since he left and 2 years since my divorce was finalized I got the urge(don’t ask me why dear reader) at 2:00AM to check and see if they had the audio book of Eat Pray Love on YouTube(Yes dear reader it’s probably a bad thing to listen to it that way) and as I found myself listening to the beginning again I realized that the author was coming out of a divorce as well at the time she wrote the book and it feels like the Gods/The Universe/the Powers That Be are again/continuing to guide me to the start of an new chapter in my life(I feel like the end of me being single is coming, if you don’t know already I’ve been single for 7 years(I mean from my last serious boyfriend, I’ve pretty much had one serious boyfriend since my ex husband left).
I can’t wait to see what the second time through the book will be like and I am SO thankful that I have you guys here with me to share it with. Thanks as always from the bottom of my heart for staying on this journey with me and *Listening* to my ramblings