Note to Reader: I’m posting about this dream because it stood out to me. As always I am ONLY talking about myself/my own personal feelings/experiences with my disability as always I am ONLY ever speaking for myself and NEVER anyone else who has a disability.

Dear reader last night I had vivid dream in which I saw myself at age maybe 2 or 3 at physical therapy trying to walk, someone was holding me up from behind as I was trying to walk/move my legs.

In the dream it was as if I was watching a home movie. It amazed me how excited I was as kid to try to move/explore. I saw no frustration on my face just a “Let’s do this” smile and spark of fire in my eyes to get it done, see how far I can go.

It didn’t matter to me that I wasn’t really going anywhere because my legs kept crossing(I did have a surgery to fix the issue when I was younger). I just wanted to go.

Nowadays I cannot physically walk or stand at because my knees are so messed up that they buckle under me as soon as I put any weight on them.

My Cerebral Palsy(the reason why I am disabled) made my muscles so tight that little by little the thigh muscles pulled my knee cap up off of my knees which messed up my knees completely to the point where in order to fix it I would have to have major knee reconstructive surgery on both knees however no insurance company would pay for it because in order for me to have it done I would have to provide proof in advance that if I had the surgery I would be able to walk a certain amount of steps however since I’ve never really been able to walk I wouldn’t be able to prove it. It would be give me the surgery and see what I can do afterwards type of situation.

As I was researching about the procedure (in places like the UK where they have healthcare companies that will pay for it) I found out that people who have my type of Cerbral Palsy with pretty much my level of spasms have had a lot of issues after the surgery because of their spasms affecting the metal that’s used to fix the issue, basically the original problem repeats itself and it causes a lot of additional issues for whomever got the surgery so I don’t want to do this surgery until they come up with a way around the problem.

Getting back to my dream now that you have some additional background information on what my situation is right now dear reader:

I still have the same fire in my eyes to get things done. I’ve just been really frustrated by the fact that I need so much physical help in order to be able to do so.

To me personally dear reader this dream was a sign to me from my younger self subconsciously to never give up that fire and desire to explore. I just need to figure out new ways to do so.

As always dear reader thank you all so much for staying with me on this journey your support means the world to me.