Random Thoughts: Beautiful doesn’t sink in with me(3/8/20)

Note to Reader: The following post is ONLY about me getting out my own personal thoughts/feelings about this topic out of my head. As always the ONLY disabled person who I will ever speak for is myself because every one of us is a different person.

Dear reader a lot of guys have been calling me beautiful in dating apps/social media(Yes, dear reader I know that a lot of guys throw that word around with anyone whom they’re flirting with) and for me personally as someone who has been disabled since birth it’s so hard for me to believe that I might be beautiful.

I know now that I’m not ugly(or at the very least I don’t personally think that I am) but even that has taken me years to realize as I was called ugly a lot in middle/high school and I can still “hear it” in my head sometimes on a really bad day.

I think that the other reason why for me personally hearing someone say that I am beautiful doesn’t really fully sink in with me is because for as long as I can remember if people meet me either by myself or with my dad they would say something like:

“God bless her/you it’s sad that you’re/she’s in a chair but at least she’s so beautiful”.

Or they would say with a look of pity or sadness in their eyes:

“You’re beautiful”

As if my beauty(to whatever extent I have it) is a consolation prize for being in a chair or they can’t really say whatever they really want to say about me/my disability so they say that I am beautiful and end the conversation.

So hearing it now from men, especially men I don’t know at all doesn’t really give me butterflies.

I hope that my ramblings made sense dear reader, thanks as always for “listening” to me vent. Your support for me and my journey means everything to me 😁.

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