Feeling alone inside and I am not sure why.

Note to the reader: The following post is a rant to get my personal thoughts and feelings out and it should not be taken as anything more than that.

Dear reader I am feeling alone inside right now and I am not sure why. I just want to feel understood.

Not necessarily to have someone agree with my thoughts or feelings just to understand where I am coming from.

I feel guilty for talking to my soon-to-be ex hubby even though we aren’t divorce yet and he is still my husband.

It’s just that he is the only other person that truly understands my feelings on our divorce because it’s his marriage too. Everyone else has heard the story and given their advice already one way or the other.

I also hate the fact that he is being forced to divorce me by his baby momma. We had a deal that if we ever got divorced we would go to the court and end it together, we made it together we should break it together.

He told me on the video chat last night that he agrees and is planning to come out here one last time to see me. I will post details on when as soon as I get them.

He told me that he hasn’t divorced me yet because he still wants a life with me.

I know it would be easy to fall back into what brought us together, however I know that what torn us apart is a deep part of who he is on a personal level and I don’t want him to change for me but I can’t take having my heart ripped out a second time.

I hate knowing that he is so sad. She keeps him on lock down to keep him from cheating(she told me so that I would know he wasn’t cheating on her too).

They have no trust at all and I know you can only push someone so far before they leave for good. It’s why I never forced him to stay with me.

My dad taught me from a young age that a piece of paper can only hold someone for so long if they truly want to leave they will at some point.

It’s hard for me to truly trust anyone since my mom left me as a kid, and for better or worse I trust him. He knows the good, The bad, and the ugly about me.

I just want that friend back. He isn’t meant to stay faithful to anyone in a sexual way for long.

Our friendship is as much faithfulness as he will ever truly and honestly be able to give me.

He even told me he wishes he could find me a faithful man. To be truly honest with you dear reader

If I would have known from the start that he needed more sex but he would at the end of the day always come home to me I would’ve been ok with that.

I am open sexually and we talked about our fantasies last night and a lot of them are the same.

He told me I was his perfect woman.

The hard-core truth is I am sexually submissive. I need more control then he can give.

I DON’T mean whips or pain I mean telling me what he wants me to do and telling me that I am his and talking dirty to me in bed.

I have a sluty side to myself that needs fulfillment too. I hate the feeling like I am corrupting guys when I am in bed with them.

Don’t miss understand dear reader I have only slept with 3 men in my life so far and my first was my husband at 19. I know that my body and heart go together, whoever gets one gets the other. I am good at keeping my urges in check, however I know I can’t be a saint forever.

*Rant over.

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